A Promise to a Friend

I am a shameful lamb, letting out an indulgent noisy bleat before condemning myself to cry silently in the dark, with all the crushed hearts and battered souls. For this hole is not mine to fall into, this sickening grief not mine to claim, and if I could take away an ounce of pain and inflict it a thousand-fold upon myself, I would. And not complain. I'd smash it and beat it and melt it down, dilute it with tears and make it wish it had never been born.

Every year on your birthday, I won't light a candle for you, or bake you a cake. I'll make myself a findus crispy pancake sandwich and eat it in the dark, with ketchup, and a headlamp on so I can see my Hanjie puzzle. I'll bob about like an angler fish and I'll try to laugh. I really will, but I'll be missing you. My love goes with you always. Bleat over, and out.